Aim for resilience, not happiness.
Something I struggled with growing up was the daily disappointment of not waking up happy. I expected to open my eyes and just feel happy. It never happened. I wake up and think of all the things to worry about and then crack on with them.
My mum has always been one of those people who wakes up happy, she even whistled around the house in the mornings. My flatmate used to sing all the way to the station on our commute, until one say I snapped! We laugh about it now… Whistling and singing are lovely, you’d think being around such positive people would help, but for me it was a constant reminder - why am I not like that - what's wrong with me? Maybe that’s where my passion for psychology started.
I have always been fascinated with the science behind happiness. One thing which has helped me most recently is the idea that we should not be focussing on happiness. Happiness comes in moments, it’s not a constant state. Contentment is more sustainable, but we also cannot control the external factors which will disturb contentment either. What we really need to be focussing on is resilience.
This is something I am now focusing on with my kids too, my internal mantra is - don’t aim for ‘happy’ aim for ‘resilient’. For example to make a kid happy, you would just give in and give him the sweets, the iPad, the toy. It’s the easy option. But to make a kid resilient, you would explain why they might not be good for them, and educate what would be a better option. Teach them how to understand their own feelings, how to express themselves, how to communicate their feeling and how to self-regulate using tools like breath, exercise, journalling. Equip them for life. The last thing you want as a parent is your child calling you up age 30, crying in the office because they can’t cope, asking you to rescue them. We need to teach them resilience, not just rescue them to keep them happy, because one day we won’t be there to save them. Of course there is a balance, we want them to have fun too! But long term, resilience is key.
I think so many of us, myself included, had most well meaning parents who just want their kids to be happy! But in trying to make them happy in each moment, disabled their kids from having any tools to self regulate. And so in adulthood these people are lacking those tools, wanting to be rescued and are left struggling with anxiety, overwhelm or depression. They get overwhelmed more easily than others because they have less tools to cope, so reach for unhealthy coping mechanisms often drink or drugs, a way to escape the constant pain of this impossible world. I was one of those people and without knowing it at the time, yoga taught me all the tools I need to self-regulate. Feeling like you would be okay, no matter what get’s thrown at you is one of the most empowering and reassuring feelings possible, it really is about resilience, not happiness.