Depression, anxiety and unconditional love
Anyone who knows my story will know I was definitely not the ‘yoga type’. I was running a fast paced life as a global ad exec, in London. If I found time to exercise, I would spin, hiit and run - efficient with my time, I was all about the burn! Unsurprisingly, I burnt out. At the same time, my father had a heart attack and died, and very quickly I realised so much of what I was doing with my life was trying to make him proud, seeking his approval. As soon as he was no longer there, I had no drive to do any of the stuff I had been doing for so many years. It was almost instant, there was nothing in me that was passionate about what I was doing. I had to start again, figure out who I was, what I cared about and what I wanted to do with my life. I felt utterly lost and depressed. I tried numerous therapists, and other methods of escape, I finally succumbed to yoga and I am now that cliche that states it saved me. And from that point on I’ve basically dedicated my life to figuring out why we get depressed / anxious / unhappy, what can help and why.
One of the most important learnings I came across was Carl Rogers ‘Core Conditions’. I knew of the term ‘unconditional love’, and just thought it was a nice phrase. Since studying psychology I realise the importance of the word ‘unconditional’. Meaning, ‘love without any conditions’. That’s not how I was brought up, or at least not how it felt. I felt as though I had to achieve to be loved. I’m not blaming my parents, people are only ever doing the best they can with the tools they have. I’m explaining in the hope it helps others. Being brought up in a way that makes you feel as though you have to achieve to be loved is conditional love. The problem with conditional love is, if you don’t meet the conditions you believe you won’t be loved. You learn that you are not enough just as you are, you have to achieve to be enough. That’s really dangerous, because you then HAVE to achieve to feel enough, worthy of love, and if you don’t achieve it hits your self worth incredibly hard and that can quickly lead to depression. When our self-worth is connected to our achievements ANYTHING that threatens us achieving or looking ‘perfect’, is a threat to our survival.
Love is the core human need and humans still have a reptilian brain, which means when threatened we go into fight, flight, freeze mode. If your survival / love is based on achievement, anything that threatens achievement will trigger fight, flight, freeze response on your body. Cortisol (the stress hormone) will flood your body, designed to give you the adrenaline you need to run away from the tiger or bear as a caveman! That’s useful if there is an actual tiger you need to run away from. It’s not useful if it's a constant state you are living in. Our bodies can only rid so much cortisol each day, the rest builds up in the body as toxin, it is acidic in nature and when our bodies become acidic they become inflamed, which causes pain, depletes our immune system so we are more susceptible to illness and chronic stress can lead to autoimmune diseases. We have to take stress seriously but it helps to understand why we feel stressed in the first place, focus on the cause not the symptom.
Understanding that my self worth was connected to my achievement explained everything to me. Public speaking used to be my worst nightmare. I would sweat and feel the need to run out of the room. If people would stand close to me when they spoke I would start sweating, sure they would find out the truth… that I wasn’t good enough! Ultimately it’s a deep lack of confidence. When you are brought up in a way that you get love when you achieve, it teaches the child that love is conditional and so they will live their life trying to be perfect, and anything that threatens that (everything), will cause deep stress.
Understanding is one part of the equation. In yoga it’s what we call ‘Svadhyaya’, self-study, where we look at ‘Samskaras’, deeply trodden pathways in the mind. Once we bring something into light we can see it and make change. So then, how do we make change? The brilliant thing about the human brian is its neuroplasticity. The brain can change shape if we repeatedly think in a different way. Like walking through a forest, when we pick a new path at first it’s difficult to walk, and then we keep walking it, it becomes the easiest route.
So we can practise thinking in a new way. First we need to observe thoughts, instead of believing that we are our thoughts, we can disconnect from them and observe the thought instead. And then see if that thought serves you or not. And then choose where you want to focus your attention instead. So if your mind automatically is wandering to the past (which can lead to depression) notice when it does it and place your focus to visualise something that you want to happen instead. Energy flows where our attention goes, so focus on what you want, not what you don’t want! Similarly, if your mind wanders to the future (which can lead to anxiety) guide your mind back to the present moment, so you train your mind to be present, not worry and improve focus. I spent a lot of time just wishing I was a happier person, and got annoyed that I wasn’t. But I wouldn’t expect to get physically fitter by just wishing for it, it takes work. And so we have to work on our minds like we work on our body. Don’t just expect to get better and get annoyed that you don't. Meditation is such a simple, free way to start. Not easy, but absolutely worth it.
Carl Rogers explains that in order to ‘self-actualise’, we need some core conditions. Like a plant needs sun, water and air. We need Unconditional Positive Regard, Acceptance and Congruence. UPR is regarding yourself positively. Acceptance is knowing we are perfect and loving ourselves anyway, congruence is absolute truth. If we can find an environment, relationship, or ideally cultivate these conditions in ourselves, we will heal and blossom. We will change from having an external locus of evaluation (worrying about what others think, ie living in fear state) to an internal locus of evaluation (knowing that you know what is best for you, not worrying what others think anymore ie freedom!).
So, observe thought, move your focus to where you want it to be, and cultivate the core conditions!
If you want to learn more please get in touch for 1-1’s or group presentations.