How you treat yourself, is not their fault.
Do you point score in your relationship? I realised I was doing it in my head constantly, and it was causing a lot of resentment. I would subconsciously be noting all the stuff I did on a daily basis, and in my current life stage as mum of 1 year old and 3 year old there’s a lot to list…
Baby monitor has been on my side of the bed buzzing away all night for 3 years (because Adam sleeps through it sometimes), Lenny comes on my side of the bed from 5am, Theo wakes up 6am, kids breakfast 6.30 am, everything in kids school bags ready, kids teeth brushing, kids dressing (catch them both first), nursery drop 8am, do something to keep in shape too, food shop, kitchen / house clean, next set of laundry, organise workman for the house renovation, run my businesses 9am - 4pm, collect the kids, dinner, bath, teeth, pyjamas, bedtime battle, clean the kitchen, do the laundry, 9pm… time for me!?
That’s the reality of life with two young kids. And in a modern day world women are expected to also contribute to the finances, I am 80-90% childcare and 50% provider, doesn’t add up to me. Add a step daughter to the mix, mortgage, general family dynamics, and nearly zero time for romantic relationship and you’ve got a perfect storm for a relationship breakdown.
When I spoke to Adam about this, it became pretty clear that on paper, he does a lot more than probably most other husbands we know. He does night feeds, nursery drops, tidying, laundry etc. So why the resentment from me? Nothing felt enough, I was stuck in a default of ‘I do everything’ even when that wasn’t strictly true.
I could have stayed with that and let it tear us apart, or, I could do some work on myself to find out where it's coming from.
I found a therapist to help me dig into this. It’s complex, as us humans are, my parents divorced when I was young, my mum had to do everything for us, full time mum and work like a dad. I have a step-mum, so undoubtedly there’s a tonne of triggers in there which need revisiting and healing so that I’m not triggered by finances and being a step-mum myself. All of which I continue to work on. But one of the most interesting and simplest realisations I had was…
How you treat yourself, is not their fault.
My father’s mantra for us growing up was, ‘first is first and second is nowhere’. Coupled with, ‘you put 110% in and you will get 10% out’. So, I put 110% into everything, work, exercise, kids. I do the ‘right thing’, which usually means taking the hard route, no shortcuts. I’m incredibly strict on myself. And on many levels that works. I quit my corporate job, I jumped, and grafted at my own business for ten years. I’ve taken minimum wage throughout, self employment means zero stability, no safety net, no maternity pay, zero off time, huge risk and pressure. And now finally, ten years later I am feeling the reward, in the sense that I can work around my boys, I am on my own agenda. You can’t put a price tag on that for me. If it’s sunny I can go to the beach. But that’s because I took the hard route for a very long time. I work out everyday, I run every day, I do yoga a couple times each week, I actually love it, but it would be easier not to. In life I do the right thing, no matter what.
So you can imagine then, when I see others taking shortcuts in any way, be that appearance, changes in jobs, fad diets, buying gimmicks or gizmos that instagram sells. Or, feeling like a victim that they don’t have the life they want. It irritates me. And when I asked myself why, the truth is, my inner child was shouting, ‘that’s not fair! How come you get to have it so easy when it’s so hard over here!’. But then, who’s making it hard for me, ME! So I make it hard for myself, and then get annoyed at others for making life nice for themself? Crazy hey! My resentment for others came from me being so hard on myself.
This is why I love this self exploratory work, because ‘imminence’ - when we go in, we can find peace. Much safer than transcendence. I can bring a ‘Samskara’ (deeply trodden pathway in the mind) to light (we can only make change when we can see something) and see it’s benefits and it’s costs, I can then CHOOSE. So the benefits of this way of being are I get what I want, most of the time. The costs are, it’s hard sometimes. So do I still want to be that way? Yeah! Why? Because life is hard either way. We choose our hard…
Being employed is hard
Being self-employed is hard
Keeping fit is hard
Living unhappy with your body is hard
Relationships are hard
Being on your own is hard
Working on yourself is hard
Divorce is hard
Choose your hard.
So now I have made peace with my hard, I don’t resent others for theirs. I chose this, and if I really wanted I could choose something else. But I don’t and that feels pretty peaceful now.