The truth will set you free
Sometimes we lie to protect ourselves, sometimes to protect others. Not usually with malice at heart.
We so often lie to ourselves. We make decisions to make other people happy, and end up living a life which isn’t true to ourself. And this is what leads to burnout, trying to be someone we truly are not is exhausting and our body will communicate that to us. It will feel like pushing water uphill, like nothings going our way, because it shouldn’t be going that way! Maybe you’ve heard of the ‘red rubber band theory’? The idea that we push and push in one direction and then PING something happens and it pings us back onto our true path, if only we can be brave enough to stay there, we could eventually end up living the life we were welcomed onto this planet for (Sankalpa), to share our true gift (Dharma).
We also lie to others. We make up stories not to see someone, when we could just say no thank you. Why? Because it might upset them. We don’t say what we feel, because it might upset them. But all we really have is the truth. If we protect someone from the truth, we are protecting them from their own learning and development in this lifetime. We are disabling them.
But of course there is a balance, in yoga there are eight limbs, just one of those being yoga poses (Asana - originally designed as ‘seats for meditation’, with helpful physical byproducts like lengthening hamstrings - how things have changed!). But listed in importance, Patanjali stated that the first two limbs are Yamas and Niyamas (Restraints and Observances), codes of conduct, what we should avoid and what we should endeavour. The top of the list is Ahimsa, non-harm, second to that, Satya, truthfulness. They say it is in the friction of these ways being that we find the gold.
Whilst training as a counsellor we had time for ‘metadialogue’ which meant, we had a chance to share what had come up for us emotionally whilst people in the group were speaking earlier in the day. Usually it was something someone else had said, and they were in the room to hear your issue with it, to help heal that rupture. I used to be afraid of conflict, so this was always an awkward part of the day for me, but having been triggered for weeks by this particular issue, I felt it was time to speak up. There was a person in the group who fell asleep, constantly. People in the group were from prison, battling with cancer, divorce, bereavement, bearing their souls, and he was snoring (no exaggeration), it made me furious. I shared that, pretty bluntly, and he was in the room. The other person is allowed to respond and he did. Turns out, he had ‘supporating sores’ all over his body, and he couldn’t sleep at night, and this was the only place he felt safe enough to sleep. I was mortified. And when the course leader asked me where the anger came from, it eventually became clear that having an alcoholic parent who I visited on weekends, who was asleep in his chair most weekend had had an effect on me. I never had a lie in, I thought any partner who did was lazy, I couldn't stand sleep. This person sleeping was a gift for me to learn about something which could have remained a problem in the dark for the rest of my life, damaging my well-being and my relationships. But the truth set me free. Why I share that is because that person said NOTHING. And it still made me furious and there were endless examples of others who were triggered by someone saying something, sometimes nice things, because that was hard for them to hear too. Basically, we are never going to be able to say the right thing, anything we say will trigger someone, so we may as well speak our truth, have some real conversations and experience true connection.